Sexual behaviors and even more so sexual fantasies are an important source of information when determining the sexual preference structure. It is crucial to differentiate between fantasies and behaviour. There are no “good” or “bad” sexual fantasies, but if those desires turn into actions that affect others you become responsible for that behaviour. However, no one is obliged to act on his/her sexual urges.
Differentiating between sexual fantasies and sexual behavior is important for several reasons related to societal recognition and individual mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Understanding and fostering the distinction helps in maintaining healthy sexual attitudes and practices. It bocomes particularly relevant when the fantasies involve children.
Here’s why it matters:
1. Fantasy Is a Safe Outlet
Sexual fantasies are typically a mental or imaginative experience that allows a person to explore desires, scenarios, or roles (including those that may not align with societal and personal values or real-world limitations) without any actual physical interaction. These fantasies are internal and private, meaning there’s no risk of physical harm or emotional consequences as long as they remain in the realm of imagination.
2. Behavior Involves Real-World Consequences
Sexual behavior involves actions in the physical world, such as intercourse, intimacy, or using sexual materials. Unlike fantasies, behaviors can have real-world consequences, including:
Consent: In any sexual interaction, clear consent from all parties involved is required. Sexual behavior requires mutual agreement and the ability of all involved parties to agree, while fantasies do not need to seek consent from anyone else.
Emotional and physical effects: Real-world sexual behaviors, especially when involving intimate partners or the use of sexually stimulating material, can have profound emotional and physical effects, whether positive or negative. Misaligned expectations between fantasy and real behavior can cause discomfort or harm.
External (societal) acceptance: Only real-world behaviors can be judged, socially rejected or condemned. In the media and in societal perception, child sexual abuse or the use of CSAM is often equated with sexual attraction towards children (pedophilia). It is therefore particularly important for those affected to internalize the distinction between fantasy and behaviour.
3. The Role of Fantasy in Sexual Desire
Fantasies allow individuals to explore various sexual desires and scenarios (e.g. involving children). It's important to recognize that not all fantasies need to be acted upon. Sometimes, people fantasize about things they may never actually want to experience or something that’s even impossible in real life. Fantasies with or without masturbation can be a way to explore taboo or unconventional ideas safely. They don’t always reflect what a person wants to pursue in real life. Without leading to any problematic behavior, sexual fantasies can enhance sexual arousal and excitement and be a normal part of sexual expression.
4. Addressing Differences in Fantasy vs. Behavior
Recognizing the difference between what is fantasized and what is acted upon helps individuals understand their sexual identity and boundaries.
No need for guilt or shame: Having fantasies that are outside of your usual sexual behavior doesn’t necessarily mean you should act on them. Feeling guilt or shame about your fantasies can be harmful to mental health. The key is to recognise that fantasies do not constitute an obligation to act and that we can decide for ourselves at any time what we do with them.
Awareness of limits: Sometimes, acting on a fantasy may not align with personal values or the values of a potential partner. Recognizing that fantasy and behavior are separate allows for better awareness and respect for boundaries in relationships. Communication about both can help you understand each other’s desires, boundaries, and needs.
If one partner has a particular fantasy they’d like to explore, it’s essential to communicate about it openly and honestly. All partners should agree on what feels comfortable and consensual before acting on any fantasy.
5. Fantasy as a coping mechanism:
For some individuals, there may be concerns when fantasies become obsessive, disturbing, or out of sync with reality. In these cases, it’s important to recognize the potential emotional impact and the difference between healthy fantasy and compulsive behavior as it sometimes seems to be intertwined. You may use sexual fantasies to cope with emotional stress or dissatisfaction. If you recognize that your sexual fantasies appear to distract you from emotionally challenging situations, it can have an influence on real-world behavior in harmful ways, e.g. the distraction causes problems in every-day life or the fantasies lead to the use of CSAM. It’s important to address the issue with either professional support or techniques you can train in other Selfhelp modules.
6. Understanding the Impact on Sexual Satisfaction
Not all fantasies need to be realized in behavior to result in sexual satisfaction. Often, fantasy can enhance sexual arousal and enjoyment during real-world sexual experiences, without needing to act them out with others. By keeping fantasies as a mental experience or enhanced with masturbation, individuals can often feel more sexually fulfilled and satisfied without the pressure to perform or engage in behaviors with other people or the use of stimulating material that may not align with their values or desires.
