Basahing mabuti ang naka-attach na sulat ng isang babaeng nakaranas ng regular na sexual abuse sa kanyang pagkabata.

Mangyaring maglaan ng oras para isipin kung ano ang mararamdaman ng biktima agad na pagkatapos ng sexual abuse (mga panandaliang resulta). Ano kaya ang mararamdaman ng biktika ilang linggo/buwan/taon ang makalipas (mga pangmatagalang resulta).

May pagkakaiba ba sa mga panandalian at pangmatagalang resulta?

Nakakaugnay ka ba sa offender o sa biktima?

Sulat ng isang biktima

Ako ay isang 19 na taong gulang na babae at biktima ako ng sex abuse sa pagkabata at child pornography. Inaalam ko pa rin ang lahat ng paraan na nakasakit sa akin ang pang-aabuso at pananamantala na naranasan ko, naging dahilan para lumihis ng landas ang aking buhay, at sinira ang normal na pagkabata, mga taon bilang teenager, at pagiging nasa hustong gulang na nararapat magkaroon ang lahat.

Sinimulan akong abusuhin ng aking tiyo noong ako ay 4 na taong gulang. Ginamit niya ang mga karaniwang paraan na alam ko na ngayon para maihanda ng mga nang-aabuso ang kanilang mga biktima para maabuso at panatilihin silang tahimik: ang sabi niya sa akin ako ay espesyal, mahal niya ako, at mayroon kaming mga sarili naming «espesyal na sikreto.» Dahil nakatira siya sa malapit sa aming bahay, hindi naghinala ng anuman ang aking ina at ama kapag pumupunta ako sa kanya.

Una, pinapanood niya ako ng mga pornographic na pelikula at pagkatapos ay sinisimulan niyang gumawa ng mga bagay sa akin. Natandaan kong ipinapasok niya ang kanyang daliri sa aking ari at napakasakit noon. Natandaan kong sinubukan niyang makipagtalik sa akin at mas masakit iyon. Natandaan kong sinabi ko sa kanyang masakit iyon. Natandaan ko na sa karamihan ng pagkakataong kasama ko siya, wala akong damit, at minsan pinagsusuot niya ako ng lingerie. At natatandaan ko ang mga litrato. Pagkatapos ng pang-aabuso, isasama niya akong bumili ng paborito kong snack na beef jerky. Kahit ngayon kapag kumakain ako ng beef jerky, nakakaramdam ako ng panic, guilt, at kahihiyan. Parang hindi ko kailanman matatakasan ang nangyari sa akin. Noong panahong iyon, ako ay nalilito at alam kong mali iyon at hindi ko iyon gusto, pero naisip ko rin na maling magsabi ng hindi maganda tungkol sa tiyo ko na sinabing mahal ako at binibili ako ng mga bagay na gusto ko. Pinapayagan din niya akong sumakay sa kanyang motorsiklo. Hinding-hindi na ako sasakay ng motorsiklo. Masyadong nakakabagabag ang mga alaala. Marami akong hindi matandaan, pero ngayon hindi ko makalimutan dahil nasa internet pa rin ang mga nakakadiring larawan ng ginawa niya sa akin. Matagal ko nang sinubukang alisin ang masasamang alaala sa aking isip. Napakasakit pa rin kapag iniisip ito. Minsan, natutulala na lang ako kapag naiisip ang nangyari at hindi ko napapansin ang aking paligid.

Sa araw-araw na buhay ko ako ay natatakot na baka may makakita ng mga litrato ko at makilala ako at mapapahiya ako ulit. Nasasaktan akong malamang may tumitingin ng mga ito -- sa akin -- noong isa lang akong batang babae na inaabuso para sa camera. Hindi ko ginustong makasama roon, pero ngayon kasama na ako sa mga litrato na ginagamit ng mga tao para gumawa ng masasamang bagay. Gusto kong burahin ang lahat ng iyon. Gusto kong matigil ang lahat ng iyon. Pero wala akong kakayahang maitigl iyon tulad ng kawalan ko ng kakayahang mapigilan ang aking tiyo. Noong una nilang malaman ang ginawa ng aking tiyo, sumailalim ako sa therapy at akala ko malalampasan ko ito. Nagkamali ako. Mas naging malinaw ang aking buong pag-unawa sa nangyari sa akin habang nagkakaedad ako. Mas malala na ngayon ang aking buhay at mga nararamdaman dahil hindi kailanman tumigil ang krimen at hindi talaga ito matitigil. Mahirap mailarawan kung ano ang pakiramdam ng malaman na sa anumang sandali, saanmang lugar, mayroong tumitingin ng mga litrato ko bilang isang batang babae na inaabuso ng kanyang tiyo at nakakakuha ng hindi magandang kasiyahan mula dito. Parang paulit-ulit akong inaabuso. Nahihirapan akong gawin ang mga simpleng bagay na madaling magawa ng ibang mga teenager. Wala akong lisensya sa pagmamaneho. Sa tuwing sasabihin kong gagawin ko ito, hindi ko nagagawa. Hindi ako makapagplano nang maayos. Nawawala ang isip ko kapag iniisip kong magpatuloy sa aking buhay. Sinusubukan kong makakuha ng trabaho, pero patuloy ko lang na iniiwasan ang mga bagay-bagay. Ang pinakamagandang nagagawa ako ay ang makalimot, magmula nang pilitin akong magkaroon ng dalawang pamumuhay bilang batang babae at “kalimutan” ang nangyayari sa akin. Bago ko ito maisip, napapalampas ko ang mga interview o iba pang mga bagay na makakatulong sa aking makakuha ng trabaho. Minsan, ipinapaalala sa akin ng mga bagay ang tungkol sa pang-aabuso at hindi ko ito naiisip hangga’t huli na ang lahat. Halimbawa, bumagsak ako sa anatomy noong high school. Hindi ko talaga maisip ang katawan dahil sa nangyari sa akin. Ganoon din ang nangyari noong nasa kolehiyo ako. Pumasok ako sa psychology class kung saan nanood kami ng video tungkol sa child abuse. Nang hindi alam kung bakit, hindi na ako pumasok sa klase. Bumagsak ako sa unang taon ko sa kolehiyo at umuwi na ako. Mas madali sa aking huwag pansinin ang mga nararamdaman ko at iwasan ang mga bagay na hindi ako magiging komportable. Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako magiging handang bumalik sa kolehiyo dahil malaki ang problema ko sa pag-iwas sa anumang bagay na hindi ako magiging komportable o magpapaalala sa akin ng pang-aabuso sa akin. Palagi akong natatakot na titingnan ako ng mga tao at sasabihing biktima ako ng sex abuse dahil alam ng publiko ang pang-aabuso sa akin. Nag-aalala ako na kapag nasa internet ang mga kaibigan ko, makikita nila ang aking mga litrato at dahil dito napupuno ako ng kahihiyan.

Ikinahihiya kong mayroon akong mga litratong gumagawa ng mga hindi magandang bagay kasama ng aking tiyo. Saanman ako magpunta, pakiramdam ko ako ay hinuhusgahan. Ako ba ang ganitong uri ng taong gumagawa nito? May problema ba sa akin? Mayroon bang nakakasuka at nakakadiri tungkol sa akin?

Nahihiya akong sabihin sa kahit sino ang nangyari sa akin dahil natatakot akong huhusgahan nila ako at sisisihin ako pa rito. Nakatira ako sa isang maliit na nayon at sa tingin ko kung alam ng isang tao, malalaman ng lahat. Namumuhay ako sa takot na balang-araw may makakakita ng masasamang litrato ko at pagkatapos ay ilalabas «  ang sikreto  » tungkol sa akin. Parang tumigil ang buhay ko noong araw na iyon at kasama kong tumigil ang oras na naghihintay. Alam kong kasama na ng panahon ang mga nakakadiring litrato ko at magpakailanmang makikita ng lahat.

Matagal akong nagkaroon ng mga bangungot. Magigising akong pinagpapawisan at umiiyak at pumupunta sa aking mga magulang para guminhawa. Nakakakuha pa rin ako ng mga flash ngayon kung minsan. Naiisip ko ang mga alaala ng mga bagay na ginawa sa akin ng aking tiyo. Bibilis ang tibok ng aking puso at pagpapawisan ako at pagkatapos ay may lilitaw na mas malinaw na litrato sa aking isip at kakailanganin kong umalis sa sitwasyong kinaroroonan ko. Naririnig ko ang boses ng aking tiyo sa aking isip na kinakausap pa rin ako at sinasabing, «huwag kang magsusumbong, huwag kang magsusumbong.» 'Mas pinapalala ito ng pag-iisip at pag-alam na ang mga litrato ng lahat ng ito ay nandyan pa rin. Parang hindi ako makakatakas sa pang-aabuso, ngayon o kailan pa man. Dahil nagkaroon ako ng napakaraming panaginip, nahihirapan akong matulog kapag madilim. Gusto kong nakabukas ang ilaw, iniisip na poprotektahan ako nito sa mga masamang panaginip. Ayoko ng mga nakakatakot na pelikula at minsan ilang araw akong binabangungot.

Minsan, natatakot ako nang hindi ko alam ang dahilan na pumipigil sa aking magawa ang mga normal na bagay na ginagawa ng ibang bata. Minsan, niyaya ako ng aking kaibigan na sumama sa kanya at sa kanyang tiyo sa isang amusement park. Hindi ko maalis sa aking isip na aabusuhin ako. Sa huli, hindi na lang ako sumama. Palagi kong naiisip kung nakita ba ng tiyo ng aking kaibigan ang mga litrato ko. Nakilala ba niya ako? Alam ba niya ang ginawa ko? Kaya ba inimbitahan niya akong sumama sa amusement park?

Napakahirap ng tiwala para sa akin at kadalasan ay hindi ako nagiging komportable sa mga tao. Umalis ako sa trabaho ko bilang waitress dahil may isang lalaki na akala ko ay palaging nakatingin sa akin. Hindi ko maiwasang isipin na kilala kaya niya ako? Nakita kaya niya ang mga litrato ko sa ibang lugar? Hindi talaga ako komportable na patuloy na magtrabaho roon. Nahihirapan akong “tumanggi” sa mga tao magmula nang malaman ko na sa murang edad ay wala talaga akong knotrol sa nangyayari sa akin. Sinusubukan kong mas maging mahusay dito dahil alam ko na ang hindi “pagtanggi” ay mas pinadadali sa isang tao na saktan ako ulit. Dahil sa pagsuhol sa akin ng aking tiyo para gumawa ng pakikipagtalik sa camera, nahihirapan akong tumanggap ng mga regalo mula sa kahit sino. Palagi kong nararamdamang may inaasahang kapalit ang mga tao sa akin kung bibigyan nila ako ng regalo. Dahil dito, mahirap ang aking mga kaugnayan sa mga kaibigan ko.

Masyado akong nalilito kung ano ang pag-ibig. Sinabi sa akin ng aking tiyo na mahal niya ako at gusto ko ang pagmamahal na iyon. Pero ngayon alam kong hindi pagmamahal ang ginawa niya sa akin. Pero paano ko masasabi sa hinaharpa na tunay na pag-ibig iyon o isa pang tao na sinusubukang samantalahin ako at gamitin ako?

Ang totoo, sinasamantala at ginagamit ako araw-araw at gabi-gabi sa ibang lugar sa mundo ng isang tao. Paano ko malalampasan ito kung hindi matatapos ang krimen na nangyayari sa akin? Paano ko malalampasan ito kung magpakailanmang nandyan ang nakakahiyang pang-aabuso na naranasan ko at nasisiyahan dito ang mga masamang tao?

Natatakot ako na posibleng maabuso ang ibang mga bata dahil sa mga litrato ko. Mayroon bang pagpapakita ng mga litrato ko sa ibang mga bata, tulad ng ginawa ng tiyo ko sa akin, pagkatapos ay sasabihin sa kanila kung ano ang gagawin? Makikita ba nila ako at iisiping ayos lang na gawin din nila iyon? May masamang tao ba na makakakita ng aking litrato at pagkatapos ay makakakuha ng ideya na gawin din ito sa ibang batang babae? Nalulungkot at natatakot ako dahil sa mga naiisip na ito.

Palagi kong sinisisi ang aking sairli dahil sa nangyari. Alam kong napakabata ko, pero hindi ako naging mas matalino? Bakit hindi ko pinigilan ang aking tiyo? Kung pinigilan ko siguro iyon, hindi magkakaroon ng napakaraming litrato ngayon na hindi ko na mababawi o mabubura. Pakiramdam ko na kailangan kong mabuhay nang kasama ito magpakailanman at kasalanan ko ang lahat.

Minsan, hinaharap ko ang aking mga nararamdaman sa pamamagitan ng pagsubok na kalimutan ang lahat sa pamamagitan ng sobrang pag-inom. Alam ko hindi ito mabuti, pero palaging nasa akin ang aking kahihiyan at galit at minsan kailangan ko lang ng paraan para mawala ang mga ito nang sandali.

Pakiramdam ko kailangan ko palaging magkaroon ng dalawang buhay. Una, kailangan kong magsinungaling tungkol sa ginagawa ng aking tiyon sa akin. Pagkatapos, kailangan kong kumilos na hindi parang hindi ito nangyari dahil masyado itong nakakahiya. Ngayon, palagi kong alam na mayroon isa pang «munting ako» na nakikita sa internet ng iba pang nang-aabuso. Hindi ko gustong mapanood, pero nandoon ako. Sana maibalik ko ang panahon at mapigilan ang aking tiyo sa pagkuha ng mga litratong iyon, pero hindi ko magagawa.

Kahit na natatakot ako na aabusuhin o sasaktan ako ulit dahil gumagawa ako ng pahayag tungkol sa epekto sa biktima na ito, gusto kong malaman ng hukuman at ng hukom ang tungkol sa akin at kung ano ang naranasan ko at ano ang buhay ko. Hindi nawala ang nangyari sa akin. Hinding-hindi ito mawawala. Ako ay isang tunay na biktima ng child pornography at naaapektuhan ako nito araw-araw at saanman ako pumunta.

Letter of a survivor of sexual violence 

I am a 19 year old woman and I am a victim of child sex abuse and child pornography. I am still discovering all the ways that the abuse and exploitation I suffered has hurt me, has set my life on the wrong course, and destroyed the normal childhood, teenage years, and early adulthood that everyone deserves. My uncle started to abuse me when I was only 4 years old. He used what I now know are the common ways that abusers get their victims ready for abuse and keep them silent: he told me that I was special, that he loved me, and that we had our own «special secrets.» Since he lived close to our house, my mother and father didn't suspect anything when I walked over there to spend time with him.

At first he showed me pornographic movies and then he started doing things to me. I remember that he put his finger in my vagina and that it hurt a lot. I remember that he tried to have sex with me and that it hurt even more. I remember telling him that it hurt. I remember that much of the time I was with him I did not have clothes on and that sometimes he made me dress up in lingerie. And I remember the pictures. After the abuse he would take me to buy my favourite snack which was beef jerky. Even now when I eat beef jerky I get feelings of panic, guilt, and humiliation. It's like I can never get away from what happened to me. At the time I was confused and knew it was wrong and that I didn't like it, but I also thought it was wrong for me to tell anything bad about my uncle who said he loved me and bought me things I liked. He even let me ride on his motorcycle. Now I will never ride on a motorcycle again. The memories are too upsetting. There is a lot I don't remember, but now I can't forget because the disgusting images of what he did to me are still out there on the internet. For a long time I practiced putting the terrible memories away in my mind. Thinking about it is still really painful. Sometimes I just go into staring spells when I am caught thinking about what happened and not paying any attention to my surroundings.

Every day of my life I live in constant fear that someone will see my pictures and recognize me and that I will be humiliated all over again. It hurts me to know someone is looking at them -- at me -- when I was just a little girl being abused for the camera. I did not choose to be there, but now I am there forever in pictures that people are using to do sick things. I want it all erased. I want it all stopped. But I am powerless to stop it just like I was powerless to stop my uncle. When they first discovered what my uncle did, I went to therapy and thought I was getting over this. I was very wrong. My full understanding of what happened to me has only gotten clearer as I have gotten older. My life and my feelings are worse now because the crime has never really stopped and will never really stop. It is hard to describe what it feels like to know that at any moment, anywhere, someone is looking at pictures of me as a little girl being abused by my uncle and is getting some kind of sick enjoyment from it. It's like I am being abused over and over and over again. I find myself unable to do the simple things that other teenagers handle easily. I do not have a driver's license. Every time I say I am going to do it, I don't. I can't plan well. My mind skips out on me when I think about moving forward with my life. I have been trying to get a job, but I just keep avoiding things. Forgetting is the thing I do best since I was forced as a little girl to live a double life and “forget” what was happening to me. Before I realize it, I miss interviews or other things that will help me get a job. Sometimes things remind me of the abuse and I don't even realize it until it is too late. For example, I failed anatomy in high school. I simply could not think about the body because of what happened to me. The same thing happened in college. I went to a psychology class where we watched a video about child abuse. Without even realizing why, I just stopped going to class. I failed my freshman year of college and moved back home. It's easy for me to block out my feelings and avoid things that make me uncomfortable. I don't know when I will be ready to go back to college because I have huge problems with avoiding anything that makes me uncomfortable or reminds me of my abuse. I am always scared that people can look at me and tell that I am a victim of sex abuse because my abuse is a public fact. I am worried that when my friends are on the internet they are going to come across my pictures and it fills me with shame and embarrassment.

I am humiliated and ashamed that there are pictures of me doing horrible things with my uncle. Everywhere I go I feel judged. Am I the kind of person who does this? Is there something wrong with me? Is there something sickening and disgusting about who I am?

I am embarrassed to tell anyone what happened to me because I'm afraid they will judge me and blame me for it. I live in a small town and I think that if one person knows then everyone will know. I am just living in fear of the day someone sees those awful pictures of me and then «  the secret  » about me will be out. It's like my life is on hold for that day and I am frozen in time waiting. I know those disgusting pictures of me are stuck in time and are there forever for everyone to see.

I had terrible nightmares for a long long time. I would wake up sweating and crying and go to my parents for comfort. Now I still get flashbacks sometimes. There are thoughts in my head that are memories of the things that my uncle did to me. My heart will start racing and I will feel sweaty and then a stronger picture will pop up in my head and I have to leave the situation I am in. I have heard the voice of my uncle in my mind still talking to me saying, «don't tell, don't tell, don't tell.» 'Thinking and knowing that the pictures of all this are still out there just makes it worse. It's like I can't escape from the abuse, now or ever. Because I've had so many bad dreams, I find it hard to sleep when it's dark. I like to keep the lights on thinking that will protect me from bad dreams. I hate scary movies and sometimes have nightmares for days.

Sometimes I have unreasonable fears that prevent me from doing the normal things that other kids do. My friend once asked me to go with her and her uncle to an amusement park. I could not get it out of my head that I would be abused. In the end I just couldn't go. I kept wondering if my friend's uncle had seen my pictures. Did he know me? Did he know what I did? Is that why he invited me to the amusement park?

Trust is a very hard thing for me and often people just make me uncomfortable. I had to quit a job had as a waitress because there was a guy who I thought was always staring at me. I couldn't stop thinking, did he recognize me? Did he see my pictures somewhere? I was simply too uncomfortable to keep working there. I have trouble saying “no” to people since I learned at a young age that I really don't have control over what's happening to me. I am trying to learn to get better at this because I know that not saying “no” makes it easier for someone to hurt me again. Because of the way my uncle bribed me to perform sex acts on camera, I have trouble taking gifts from anyone. I always feel that people will expect something from me if they give me a present. This makes it difficult in my relationship with friends.

I want to have children someday, but it frightens me terribly to think about how I could keep them safe. Who could I possibly trust? Their teacher? Their coach? I don't know if I could ever trust anyone with my children. And what if my children and their friends see my pictures on the internet? How could I ever explain to them what happened to me?

I am very confused about what love is. My uncle said he loved me and I wanted that love. But I know now that what he did to me is not love. But how will I be able to tell in the future if it is real love or just another person trying to exploit and use me?

The truth is, I am being exploited and used every day and every night somewhere in the world by someone. How can I ever get over this when the crime that is happening to me will never end? How can I get over this when the shameful abuse I suffered is out there forever and being enjoyed by sick people?

I am horrified by the thought that other children will probably be abused because of my pictures. Will someone show my pictures to other kids, like my uncle did to me, then tell them what to do? Will they see me and think it's okay for them to do the same thing? Will some sick person see my picture and then get the idea to do the same thing to another little girl? These thoughts make me sad and scared.

I blame myself a lot for what happened. I know I was so little, but why didn't I know better? Why didn't I stop my uncle? Maybe if I had stopped it there wouldn't be so many pictures out there that I can never take back or erase. I feel like now I have to live with it forever and that it's all my fault.

I feel like I am unworthy of anything and a failure. What have I been good for except to be used by others over and over again? That's one of the reasons I haven't been able to get a job or stay in school. I'm tired of disappointing myself. I've already had enough disappointment for a lifetime and just don't want any more failure. To me this brings back all the terrible feelings and shame of abuse and exploitation.

Sometimes I deal with my feelings by trying to forget everything by drinking too much. I know this isn't good, but my humiliation and angry feelings are there with me all the time and sometimes I just need a way to make them go away for a while.

I feel like I have always had to live a double life. First I had to lie about what my uncle was doing to me. Then I had to act like it didn't happen because it was too embarrassing. Now I always know that there is another «little me» being seen on the internet by other abusers. I don't want to be there, but I am. I wish I could go back in time and stop my uncle from taking those pictures, but I can't.

Even though I am scared that I will be abused or hurt again because I am making this victim impact statement, I want the court and judge to know about me and what I have suffered and what my life is like. What happened to me hasn't gone away. It will never go away. I am a real victim of child pornography and it effects me every day and everywhere I go.

Final Thought

Reading a survivor’s letter can be a powerful exercise in empathy. It helps you connect with the human side of trauma, develop greater compassion, and improve your ability to support others in meaningful ways.